Note: I began keeping a journal of things that crossed my mind because my posts here for the most part are recollections of things I had going through my mind at the time, we all can tell from my posts that my mind travels at a billion miles an hour so you often times get a distorted and partial picture of what is truly on my mind. So I began to write, this first entry is titled “Contemplation”.
“Contemplation”
It’s one of the most basic of human thinking processes, it is a part of all decisions whether major or minor, insignificant or grand. So why is it that I notice it most now? Every action, thought, conversation; I notice the contemplation behind each. Yes, even as I write this down I am contemplating how strange and funny it is that I am contemplating contemplation.
I pose the question to myself again: why do I notice it now? Is it because my subconscious has time now to freely roam and make its presence more prevalent in my actions and thoughts? Is all this time to myself in the towers, at night, or on patrol forcing my mind to make up for the lack of, what used to be, normal thoughts?
I used to think about getting off of work, where I’d go for dinner, what alcohol to buy, where I’d be doing my partying that weekend, those were “normal” thoughts, but they aren’t “normal” to me anymore. What seems normal to me now, in the way of thoughts, are things like an extended situational awareness, the next phone call I might have time to make, and the constant paranoia that at any minute I could round the corner into a bullet or explosion that has my name on it. Though these thoughts occupy the majority of my thinking capacity, they provoke further contemplation into areas of my life where self-doubt looms. Areas like: the future, the past, my love life, sometimes it causes me to even falter in my faith.
Before I continue let me make clear that by faltering in my faith I do not mean I doubt the existence of God, I do not deny him, I do not curse his name for my situation. I merely mean I begin to wonder why I am not more in control, I doubt his omnipotence at times and that is where I falter.
This long period of my life where contemplation has become the main focus of my thoughts, I also begin to wonder how re-entry will be. Will my once normal thoughts become prevalent again? Will this unceasing paranoia fade? Will life ever have the same flavor?
With each contemplation comes a myriad of questions and possible outcomes. There is one thing that I am sure of, this period of contemplation and reflection has changed my outlook on life. For better or worse? I’ll just have to contemplate that.
I pose the question to myself again: why do I notice it now? Is it because my subconscious has time now to freely roam and make its presence more prevalent in my actions and thoughts? Is all this time to myself in the towers, at night, or on patrol forcing my mind to make up for the lack of, what used to be, normal thoughts?
I used to think about getting off of work, where I’d go for dinner, what alcohol to buy, where I’d be doing my partying that weekend, those were “normal” thoughts, but they aren’t “normal” to me anymore. What seems normal to me now, in the way of thoughts, are things like an extended situational awareness, the next phone call I might have time to make, and the constant paranoia that at any minute I could round the corner into a bullet or explosion that has my name on it. Though these thoughts occupy the majority of my thinking capacity, they provoke further contemplation into areas of my life where self-doubt looms. Areas like: the future, the past, my love life, sometimes it causes me to even falter in my faith.
Before I continue let me make clear that by faltering in my faith I do not mean I doubt the existence of God, I do not deny him, I do not curse his name for my situation. I merely mean I begin to wonder why I am not more in control, I doubt his omnipotence at times and that is where I falter.
This long period of my life where contemplation has become the main focus of my thoughts, I also begin to wonder how re-entry will be. Will my once normal thoughts become prevalent again? Will this unceasing paranoia fade? Will life ever have the same flavor?
With each contemplation comes a myriad of questions and possible outcomes. There is one thing that I am sure of, this period of contemplation and reflection has changed my outlook on life. For better or worse? I’ll just have to contemplate that.
Stay motivated folks, I’ll keep trying.
Comment
]).